One of the affect theory scholars I have been reading, Lauren Berlant, has a blog. One of my Facebook friends posted a link to something she read. Her writing style is very different from the articles and scholars I've been reading lately so it is as if I am learning to read again. It is a very "English Department" style. Her blog makes me think about this blog which is kind of an attempt to use myself to gather data for a future research project which may or may not ever emerge. Part of me wonders if I am taking advantage of myself or somehow being unethical. However, this record of information is also healing in a way and allows me to freely express the thoughts I am having while in grad school.
As I was driving to school this morning, I thought of a sort of metaphor for grad school. Maybe more of an analogy. The first semester I was hear, and really part of this semester, was a series of being broken down into pieces. I questioned whether I was truly smart enough or talented enough to be a good student and eventually a good professional. I also pondered if this is what I really want to be doing. Even when I'm unsure about academic life, I am always positive I want to earn my degree; it is just two years after all.
Husband and I have been discussing our future. My goals for the future are ever changing, and I can understand how that would be difficult for Husband.
I need to read more. I'm so easily distracted by mindless Facebook games and television and movies.
I emailed someone yesterday about possibly being a co-author and I tried to brainstorm some ideas but I haven't heard back.
I'm waiting for an email from a prof to discuss something secret.
I'm worried I'm not doing enough research while simultaneously being positive I am doing as much or more than other graduate students.
This summer, I have several things I need to do. From the post I did before, I've realized making lists is really helpful. Then instead of these thoughts repeating themselves endlessly in my brain, I can limit it. Making a list makes it finite. So, what do I need to do this summer?
1) Finish editing my paper for A&A. After I edit it, I need to send it to a Prof to give it a once over, then make changes, and submit it for publication.
2) Finish editing another paper for the Howard Journal. I don't foresee this getting done because my thoughts are not organized enough. The conclusions I will be making are important and I want to make sure I get it right. I need to do A LOT more reading before I am ready to do that.
3) Start working on a paper with a Prof here. I don't feel like I'm getting any sense of direction from her so I am just spinning my wheels endlessly. Because I've gone through so much of my life being unorganized, I've created systems of organization that work for me. I'm not getting any order from her and I don't want to create order for her because I feel it is not my place.
4) Read a lot of books. Especially books for this book club I'm starting. Which reminds me I need to send out an email quick. But before I send out the email, I need to write a quick bio about myself as a model for them to respond with.
5) I should make a list of the books I need to read so I can check them off and feel accomplished.
6) I need a summer job. This is a source of anxiety because not only do I have no desire to work, I really have no desire to con an employer to work for them for a few months and then quit. I would really like to stay on as an employee part-time with a place, but I don't know if I will have time. My parents are unable to help us financially because of this crazy renter they have in our old house. This is another cause of stress.
7) Prepare for the GRE and sign up to take the GRE. I'm not sure when I will get my PhD, but it will happen some day and I might as well have the test out of the way.
This list is becoming endless. There are other things I am forgetting. I need to take a book back to the library that is super overdue. I also have to grade a bunch of speeches. I don't have anything better to do, but I keep putting it off anyway.
Another thing I wanted to do was copy the response I got on Facebook from one of my friend's friends about my comment regarding his post about gay people. I will not respond to him because it will devolve into madness, but I can respond here.
He did two separate posts with Bible verses:
[Name redacted], how about for now we just ignore the Old Testament, then, and discuss the subject only from the New Testament?
Matthew 19:4-6
Romans 1:18-32
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
1 Timothy 1:7-11
Jude 7
Also look at John 8:1-11. Here Jesus deals with a woman about to be stoned because of her sin. Jesus loves and accepts this woman, but does that mean he is ok with her sin? By no means. Read especially verse 11. This should be the Christian attitude toward homosexuality and toward any sin. We love and accept all sinners, but we also urge them to turn from their sins even as we must turn from our own sins.
Okay, so I want to get what these verses say and record them here. I don't think homosexuality is a sin. This is something I can't convince others of. I also don't like using the Bible as a form of evidence, but what are you going to do with Christians.
Matthew 19:4-6
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Let's see what the context is. Okay, this is when the Pharisees ask him if divorce is okay. This is a response strictly to divorce, not saying that marriage should be between a man and a woman. He's also quoting the Old Testament which is off limits given the parameters he set.
Romans 1:18-32
So, a lot of it is junk. This is the part that talks about being gay:
"Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error."
Romans was written by Paul who was kind of a jerk. I mean, an ad hominem attack isn't a good refutation. These aren't the words of Jesus.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11
"9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
It's not known who wrote Corinthians, but the thought is Paul. Still not Jesus.
1 Timothy 1:7-11
"8 We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. 9 We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, 10 for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine 11 that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me."
Hmm, pretty hateful stuff. Still Paul.
Jude 7
Cripes, the entire chapter?!?! No, I did some Googling, it's 1:7:
Jude 1:7 - Likewise, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding
cities, which, in the same manner as they, indulged in sexual
immorality and pursued unnatural lust, serve as an example by
undergoing a punishment of eternal fire. [NRSV]
Google says Jude was a follower of Jesus.
So, basically pointless deliberation. We won't change each others minds. Despite what the Bible says, my moral compass doesn't allow me to believe homosexuality is wrong or unnatural. I do find my sense of right and wrong being guided by the kindness and forgiveness I saw in reading the New Testament. Maybe I should read it again and put it on my list. But arguing with the Bible as evidence is kind of fruitless.
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