Sparks of Life

I've been neglecting you for the past few days. Even though I haven't written since the fifth, I've found I will occasionally get certain phrases in my head that I feel compelled to write down. I haven't had this happen in a really long time. It is only when I've been writing or reading a lot that inspires me when this occurs. There is something to this forced writing, I just need to make sure I keep at it. I should maybe create a schedule, but not one that is too predictable or I will get sick of it.

Yesterday I received a call from the nurse at my PA's office. I was prescribed medication for my thyroid but the PA never called it in to the prescription. I will admit I neglected to pick it up, but that's okay because there was nothing to pick up. The nurse got snippy at me for not taking it. I don't recall, but I may have gotten snippy because they never called in the prescription. She stated she was going to talk to another MD to see what dosage to give me. Who knows if there will be a prescription waiting for me. I need to take it for two months and then go in for a blood test. I need a new doctor.

My head doctor was excellent and told me things my PA had not - such as my thyroid level being significantly higher than it should be. Some sort of hormone is out of whack which is probably a huge factor in my constant weight issues. 

So, once I finish typing this, I am going to contact my insurance to find out about changing my PCP and then make a dentist's appointment. I have been unable to get a job so it looks like we will be living pretty conservatively this summer. That's fine with me, though. We need to learn to live on a budget because we have not had to so far.

The lines that went through my head and additional things I want to write about are:

"I have lived most of my life in my sleep."

My depression, and maybe a combination of this thyroid business, makes me feel unrested all of the time. I can sleep for up to sixteen hours. I awake feeling somewhat rested, but never fully recharged. I'm afraid to know how much of my life I've spent in bed doing nothing but dreaming. And nothing productive ever comes out of my sleep. Something about graduate school make me feel like I need to constantly produce something. Whenever I watch TV, I feel as though I'm wasting time. But, nevertheless, I still watch several hours a week. I could be spending those hours writing. Or looking for work. Or figuring out what I want to do with my future.

Another thing I was thinking about was a conversation I had with another grad student last night at dinner. We went out for our last night of class as a group. Whenever she talked about her future, she always stated, "I want to do this. I want to live here." But she's married. Whenever I discuss my future, I'll stated, "I want to do this, but/and we have planned this." I feel as though Husband is always part of my decision-making process. This made me wonder a few things. First, is my identity really tied up in with Husband's? Maybe I have lost my sense of self. Sometimes I feel I am limited because I am partnered in that I can't just pick up and move without consulting him. Any sense of limitation is outweighed by the many, many wonderful things I get out of our relationship. 

We've talked about trying to make a baby this month, but whenever I try to initiate he does not feel compelled. This is another area where conflict arises. Discussions of sex inevitably lead to me appearing as an asexual being.

I've been feeling quite left out in social interactions lately. I feel as though I am being weird but cannot identify what I am doing wrong.