Paralyzing Sadness

I woke up yesterday with paralyzing sadness. I couldn't get up and get going. This intense pressure and anxiety built in my chest. I thought to myself, "Something bad is going to happen," and then shook that thought away. I was supposed to teach at 9, and at 8 I emailed my class and the secretary to let them know I would not be in. There was a brief relief. I went to sleep. I slept all morning until my husband came home in the afternoon.

When I have this paralyzing sadness, the only thing that I can do is sleep. I enter a different world and avoid this one. In this world, I am imperfect and I disappoint people. When I'm asleep, I do not have to worry about it. I often wonder how much time I have spent sleeping to avoid reality, but don't want to know for fear the amount of time will make me feel an even greater shame.

The country is sad today along with me, but they continue to work. Yesterday there was bombing at the Boston Marathon. We watched the coverage for awhile, but the scenes of trauma played over and over did not help me at all.

Today I feel worse. The pressure in my chest built while I slept. I just cannot force myself to face the world today. I will have to tomorrow. I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow, I will get up early and go to campus. I will get caught up." Instead, I sleep.

I've been taking my medication, but there is something about this time of year that gets to me. Spring and Fall.

I'm afraid when my husband comes downstairs he will be disappointed in me. Yesterday he was very understanding. I will have to go back to school tomorrow no matter what so I don't hear the disappointment in his voice.